Working with my Cynicism

After Jennifer at Gaia Heals did a Guide Reading for me, I found myself depressed for a few days afterward.

To begin with, she challenged all of the categories into which I organize my life. She wasn’t trying to, it just happens to be a byproduct of the work she does. Some of my categorization was affirmed, while some of it was challenged outright. I had already been in the process of reworking these categories and have been for a long time, but it’s never easy to encounter a new way of existing so plainly.

I also had this intense longing to be back with my guides. Especially my main guide. Like I had arrived at the awareness of a long-lost relationship that was perfect in every way, and it is just beyond my reach. While I can cultivate a deep connection during my time on earth, there will always be parts of this relationship that feel out of reach. Even the parts I can access will take time and energy, a measure of self-discipline to learn how to access. And so I felt really sad because now that I know it's there, I want it back, and if not all the way back I at least want to have it in the fullest way possible and I can't have that yet either.

Then at the very same time, I felt this undercurrent of cynicism. A feeling of, "this cannot be true," "this cannot be real." A biting narcissistic vibe I learned to keep myself safe as a young person. I slip back into it when I feel shaken.

So the combination of feeling off-kilter in my world view, this intense longing to get my friend back, and this self-derision made for a nasty few days, where I carried on like a wrecking ball, yelling at my husband and kids. Getting triggered by things I have gotten good at flowing through. I was drinking too much, and eating foods I know hurt me. Anything I could do to make it to the next day, with this brutal cyclonic internal dialogue of mistrust and longing walking with me all along the way.

Enter my journaling habit. I journaled my way out. My liver thanks me.

The funny thing is I journaled every day I was feeling these undercurrents but they didn’t make their way to the journal until 3 days after they began. Such is the practice of journaling, and why it must be something that is done as often as possible. If you aren’t regularly opening an avenue for the pain to get out and onto the page, you may miss it, and it may become something bigger to cope with, a habit or an illness or a block of some kind. It can’t be forced, it must come when it’s ready. And we must make it a space.

When it showed up it didn’t look amazing. Most healing doesn’t. Most healing looks clunky and childish, as though we had forgotten how to walk and someone or something does the blessed work of righting us again, reminding us of our feet, stepping side by side with us until our muscle memory comes back and we remember what walking is again.

My healing that day looked like honoring my grief. Sitting there, teary-eyed and snot-nosed, and missing my life beyond this skin and these bones.

When the cynicism showed up I welcomed it too and asked it the question I usually ask it.

“Hello, I hear you. What if we act like this is the truest thing we’ve ever known? Treat it as though it were objectively observable and unquestionably true, who will it hurt?”

Then my cynicism paused for a moment, did an inventory of all the potential ways my new mode of being would harm me and the people I love. How does believing I have a guide connected to me, who offers her support and love as I live my life on earth cause me harm?

Then my cynicism answered, “It doesn’t hurt anyone. In fact, it will serve you, and can enrich the lives of the people you love.”

And so it softened and retreated back to the depths of my psyche, to serve me another day. Perhaps when it notices my beliefs and modes of operating in the world are hurting people, or to the next time I’m challenged with fantastical possibilities that challenge my worldview.

Now that cynicism has been quelled, I am left with longing which feels like grief, and a path towards deeper connection.

These are things that I have worked with before, and I know how to proceed now.

And the path stretches before me yet again, as it is ever faithful to do.